Hi! I am the new blog writer for Gemsprite Crystals.
For this first publication, I thought I would introduce myself. Nice to meet you.
I really didn’t know how to start writing this post. It feels, honestly a bit masturbatory. So, I decided to ask myself what you probably want to ask me yourself, dear reader. You want to ask me, “Who are you?”.
Who am I? Have you ever tried to answer that question with a response other than your name? Who are you? When someone asks you this question what is the first descriptor on your tongue? Can you summarize yourself in 500 words?
I think, like most people, I sometimes feel undefinable. You cannot build a human being on words alone. We are all a mix of feelings and vibes: installation art. We are meant to be experienced and not described.
Sometimes, I am only colors: buttercup sunshine mixed with deep purple midnight. Sometimes I am only music: lazy acoustic guitars catching the summer breeze or a heartsick woodwind begging to be identified. I am a concept of a person trying to define the rainbow symphony coloring me, composing me and changing me at a rate to faster than I can record. I am the right answer asking the wrong questions. I am every feeling felt too deeply all at once.
But who am I?
I don’t know.
I know my name. I know my ancestry. But who am I?
What am I passionate about? What do I stand for?
I don’t know.
All of these broad questions existed in me my whole life, but I never slowed down enough to ask them.
And then COVID hit.
And then quarantine.
And then the world stopped moving.
And then I was stuck.
I was stuck with myself.
Before quarantine, I was in a bit of a rut. I was working at a restaurant, dreaming of a day when I might have a dream and waiting for the world to change me into someone who does something. When I was forced to stop and take a look at myself, I didn’t know what I was looking at.
I’ve always felt that perhaps I was too extraordinary to be ordinary. I was a person meant to forge a life of adventure. I spent most of my twenties making indecisions disguised as decisions in avoidance of the potential reality that I wasn’t meant for anything.
But forced alone with myself, forced to be still, forced to look, I had to reconcile that I was avoiding myself. I couldn't just look at the parts that weren’t carefully cultivated into digestible, instagramable fragments of a person. Reader… I really looked.
I started feeling the feelings I had been avoiding. I looked at the ugly parts of myself. I could no longer pretend that I was waiting on the world. I realized it was the world who was waiting on me.
I like to say that I was born an apology awaiting the world’s acceptance. “I’m sorry I’m here. I’m sorry I couldn’t make it. I’m sorry I tried. I’m sorry I didn’t. I’m sorry I’m too much. I’m sorry I’m not enough. I’m sorry I failed. I’m sorry I’m scared. I’m sorry, do you forgive me?”
I was looking for forgiveness for existing. I wanted to be absolved from my monotony. I wanted life to be easier. I wanted someone to tell me it was okay not to try.
Discovering this about myself was a real awakening. This need pulsing inside of me, begging me to do something, was buried six feet under my fear of failing.
That is where Gemsprite comes in. The practice of crystals was new to me. I felt that crystals were my antithesis. Constantly developing, nurturing and living up to their full potential. Created by the world for the world and constantly balanced.
When Gemsprite first reached out to me, I thought I should scream at them to find someone else. Someone more sure-footed: someone grounded. Someone that was created to balance the world and not juggle it.
But Stephen said something that really registered with me. When I asked him "Why Gemsprite?" he told me "We are all crystal fairies."
At first, I didn’t know what that meant. I had never really experimented with crystals and I certainly was too clunky for the world of fairies. But I couldn’t get those words out of my head.
We are all crystal fairies. It played in my body like an anthem. “We are all crystal fairies, we are all crystal fairies, we are all crystal fairies”. Then it became, “You are a crystal fairy, you are a crystal fairy”. And finally “I am a crystal fairy”.
I realized that crystals harness the energy they need to shine, and they greedily give it right back. That is what Gemsprite aims to do. Stephen and Ivan strive to create a space where we can all find something to balance us, calm us, soothe us, and help us fit into spaces in this world that are perfectly carved out for us.
I may not know a lot about myself but I knew I wanted to be a part of that.
So reader, although I still don’t know exactly who I am, I know these things to be true. I am buttercup sunshine and deep midnight. I am an acoustic guitar and an indistinguishable woodwind. I am questions. I am answers. I am trying to fit in. I am the perfect fit. I am a crystal fairy.
And you, dear reader, are a crystal fairy too.