I have needed glasses my whole life. In 8th grade I got my first pair of contacts. 8th grade was the first time I saw my face clearly and unobstructed.
I love looking in mirrors when I talk. It isn’t that I can’t keep my eyes off of myself, but I am curious of the way my face moves to communicate. I am still wary of the ol’ girl, and I wonder if it’s because we took so long to be acquainted with one another. I’m not always sure she is on my team. Sometimes I feel like my face belongs to an entirely different person all together. A person I am still trying to put my finger on.
While I still feel a bit detached from my face, my voice and I have been in bed together for years. According to my parents I used it early and a lot. I screamed through my infancy, and I sang through my childhood. Every thought in my head made its way through my lips with minimal barriers.
But somehow as an adult, I put all my trust in my face and I omit my voice from a lot of major decisions. When vexed with a social dilemma or a personal discomfort, I will plaster on a bright smile and swallow my words.
Recently I have been thinking a lot about boundaries.
I have never been great at setting boundaries. Sometimes I feel like I am playing a game- me vs. my manners, and my mom said I’m the hostess so I have to let my manners win. Sometimes I am fighting with my internal publicist. She wants me to be more marketable and thinks I can capitalize on mass appeal. My personal boundaries aren’t always on her radar. Sometimes I crumble under the cross-examination of my internal detective. She doesn’t always trust my feelings, and thinks I’m hiding something or being dramatic.
But all of that long-winded personification to say I guess I am insecure. I want to be polite, well-liked and easy-going and sometimes I don’t know where setting my boundaries fits in.
Today I was laying at the pool in my apartment complex and there were 4 young girls playing a game they seemed to be making up as they went along. After tirelessly explaining the rules to each other, the leader of the little girls (lets call her Lil’ Regina George) announces to the group that there is a bonus game before they start the main game.
“Before we start, let’s all say who we want to lose the game”.
Little girls are brutal.
Before anyone could say anything too mean, another little girl, lets call her Lil’ Tina Fey, says “That makes me uncomfortable. I was taught to be only honest and kind so that is not in my boundaries.”
Brutal but articulate.
Lil’ Regina then turns to her and says, “Thank you for telling me your boundaries. You don’t have to say who you want to lose.”
And I was amazed.
“…but I want Lauren to lose.”
And then I felt sad for Lauren.
Now I know this isn’t the most uplifting story of all time, but it really made me think. How many times in my life have I done something that made me feel uncomfortable, or made me feel like a bully, or made me feel cruel, because I couldn’t properly set my boundaries.
It seems like Lil’ Tina had a bossy mean-girl friend. I would be terrified to be friends with Lil’ Regina George. But Lil’ Ms. Fey stood up for herself. She knew who she was. She wasn’t a mean girl. She didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. She set her boundaries. And Lil’ Regina respected it!
These little girls are maybe 10 years old, and they were able to stick to their convictions and be the kind of people they wanted to be without shame.
But maybe they've never needed glasses.
When I was a ten year old girl, I gave my boundaries a voice. I set my limits. I knew what was fair, what was unfair, and who I was going to be. I was ready to fight the good fight.
I want to find that voice again, but I am still struggling to get past my fear of rejection. I guess this is all to say that somewhere along the lines, I got contact lenses and lost sight of myself.
As much as I want to draw lines around myself and shout my parameters into the world, when I open my mouth all I can seem to do is agree.
When I looked up synonyms for the word “agree”, one of the suggestions Microsoft Word gave me was the word decide. Doesn’t that imply that to make a decision, one needs more than a single person to speak it into existence? What does that say about how Microsoft Word sees our voices?
How am I supposed to decide on a boundary if it that boundary then synonymously needs to be agreed upon? Am I not the curator of my own limits?
Ultimately we need to see our limits in order to speak them. We need to speak our limits in order to set them. And we need to set our limits in order to not become them.
Sometimes there are people in our lives that take advantage of us. Sometimes bad things happen around us and we don't know if it is worth it to make a fuss. If you are struggling with the confidence or motivation to speak your boundaries, try Bahia Jasper.
We all go through situations which take up way too much of our time and energy. It is during these periods that you should turn to Bahia Jasper. This conglomerate of jaspers pulls you firmly down to the Earth and reminds you of what is important and worth your energy. Block out the nonsense and calm down.
If you feel like you are wavering from who you are or who you want to be, and you need help standing in who you are, try holding on to Garnet.
Garnet helps you stand by your personal values and respect yourself. It does this by activating your root chakra responsible for the control you have over the choices you make. This prevents others from taking advantage of you. Garnet also acts as a positive energy shield and combats laziness.
For those of us that need help centering and figuring out what we should or shouldn't stand for, Larvikite is the crystal for us.
Larvikite is often called “Black Moonstone” and contains a smooth, grounding energy. It dispels negative energies and helps with rational decision-making. It is believed that meditation with Larvikite helps aid in past-life recall which may influence our present choices.