Twenty Great-ish
Twenty-Eightish, Greatish and Fading.
I recently turned 28 years old 11 months ago. It is not a milestone birthday. It essentially just means I’m in my late 20’s. It didn’t hit me like a truck. I don’t feel any older. I’m not in (any more of) a quarter life crisis. I’m focusing a little harder on my goals, (better job, more money, debt free), but otherwise I feel pretty much as I did on my 27th birthday. Lost and lovely.
With every birthday in the age of social media, comes a coterie of old photos from your friends. I feel like it’s almost a competition. Who can find the goofiest picture of you? Who can find the oldest picture of you? The one where you look the happiest, prettiest, most accomplished. The pictures that is the most embarrassing. You see a lot of pictures of yourself from different stages of your life.
(Picture shared of me on my Birthday)
After viewing various pictures of myself on the crest of my 28th year, something occurred to me. I think I've changed. I am a different person. It was like my brain went through an iOS update. I knew I had to reset at times, update a few of my beliefs, adjust the settings in my morals, add new interests. But it wasn’t until I went back and examined how I used to work, that I realized I’m different. I didn't even notice it happening. It's like remembering Instagram without the stories feature. We forget how it used to be. I forgot how I used to be.
I feel like I have become a little more censored. Which isn’t a bad thing. I am more careful, calculated. I overthink and I over analyze. I’ve learned lessons because I’ve hurt people. I’ve learned lessons because I‘ve been hurt. I’ve learned lessons comparing myself to women I admire and aspire to be like. I've learned lessons contrasting myself to women I dislike. I am on paper better than I was five years ago.
But in some ways, I am worse. I still laugh easily but more quietly than I once did. I am still impulsive, but that impulsivity is more labored. I still recognize what can be possible for me, but the possibilities seem less worth it.
(Photo shared on my Birthday of me and the great Davina Faust)
I live of life of personal silencing and overcompensation. A lot of who I am is built around hiding the parts of me that I don’t like. And some of that is good. I don’t like the part of me that is quick to jealousy, or the parts of me that can be manipulative. But I also struggle to make myself seem more serious, and less goofy. I am constantly assessing what I feel like, vs what I look like.
We convince ourselves that frivolity is a privilege. It is embarrassing to drink too much. It is embarrassing to take a sick day at work. It is embarrassing to make bad choices. And I guess my question is why?
Why is it disconcerting to prioritize fun? Why is impulsivity shamed? Who made these rules of what a 28ish-year-old woman should act like?
(Photo shared of me on my Birthday)
This behavior is a result of years of comparison, rejection, and condemnation. We compare ourselves to our peers. They are more organized. They are more knowledgeable. They are more successful. We are rejected by our applications. No, you cannot work here. No, I will not date you. No, you cannot sit with us. And we are condemned by our superiors. Don’t do it like that. Don’t act like that. That is not how we do things here.
We learn to shrink ourselves to fit a mold of what normal looks like. We highlight attributes that become important to us like nice, in-shape, responsible overshadowing traits that are slowly losing value like, silly, fun, happy.
I feel the change. I think I am still fun and lighthearted. I still enjoy being goofy from time to time. There is still a lot of the younger me in here. The change isn’t drastic. It's like I hired an amateur contractor to soundproof my skin. My body is still making the same amount of noise internally, but its projection is halted and it’s clarity muffled.
I’ve been washed and faded.
(Photo of my shared on my Birthday)
It is time for me to have a reckoning with my former self. My unselfconscious self. My better self. I want to be the girl in the silly pictures again. I still want to make more money. I still want to get out of debt. I still want to grow up. But I’m starting to realize that putting forth a positive, responsible effort can be done lightheartedly.
Depending on who you ask, I may still be better on paper. But life isn’t lived on paper. So, let’s save the trees and get a little goofy.
On your next Birthday, try toasting with this mantra:
"Here is to who I was. Here is to who I will be. Here is to who I am. Cheers! Let's get silly!"
(Photo shared of me on my Birthday)
When you are feeling a little sad or self-conscious, grab some cats eye to brighten up your world!
When you gaze into a Cat’s Eye Stone, you are met with positivity and happiness. These feelings should then be passed on to your neighbors. By offering kindness to those around you, you open yourself up to all sorts of prosperity and luck! Cat’s Eye reminds you to spread that amazing energy everywhere you go.
When you want to feel playful and run with abandon!
Have you ever seen a young puppy run around with all of the energy in the world and think to yourself, “I wish I had that kind of energy!” That’s the playfulness, confidence and enjoyment of life that can be found by working with Dalmatian jasper. Channel the puppy within and start living a healthy and inspired life.
Shine your light on the world with Honey Calcite!
The deep orange of this crystal brightens up your day and encourages you to get up and go. It’s like harnessing the energy of the sun and feeling that warmth spread over your skin, inspiring you to breathe deeply and live freely. It connects to your third-eye chakra to help put your motivation into organized plans, further assisting in your daily goal-setting.