Warming up.
This week I am visiting my boyfriend’s family in Colorado. His mother lives in a beautiful and tiny tourist town that consists of only 1000 residents. There are donkeys roaming the town freely, who are fed and protected by the locals. The town prides itself in the brothels that once lined its streets and boasts the highest casino in the world. Another quirk of this tiny town is that is sits on a very tall mountain. And even though it is late June it is very cold.
Today it was 45 degrees and raining when I sat down in my hotel room to write. Shivering from the cold, I warmed myself on the outside with a soft blanket and the inside with a smooth scotch. I sat and waited for the warmth to travel from my skin and my stomach and meet in the middle to thaw my bones.
I hate being cold. But more than being warm, I love the feeling of warming up. I crave the sensation of the heat crawling up my body. I long for the feeling of my skin rising in anticipation. I celebrate when my toes twitch and dance to the music of my blood circulating. Warmth is a luxury we only recognize in its absence.
I have always had trouble just being. I try to force things into existence. I have very little patience waiting for something to happen. I buy too much on credit, I try crash diets and I moved in with my boyfriend after only 5 months. I have trouble waiting for things to warm up.
Recently I have been on a journey to get out of debt and give myself more financial freedom. And what I can tell you about my journey so far is that I am most certainly still in the warming process.
I’m struggling! I don’t want to be “responsible” with my money and I really don’t want to stay in and make good choices. I want to be warm already. I want to have extra spending money. I want to upgrade my cell phone. I want to get a new computer. I want to go out to an expensive dinner and tip 50 percent to show the waiter I am a nice-guy-slash-big-shot who appreciates their hard work. But right now I’m stuck debating if I can justify adding guacamole to my burrito.
And yet here I sit, in my new fuzzy socks that I was able to purchase at a gift shop in town, cuddling with my puppy who has a new chew toy and a belly full of treats, and I started to think about warming up
. A year ago I couldn’t afford a hotel stay. A year ago I would have to wear boring fuzz-less socks. A year ago I was cold.
As much as I want to erase the burden of debt hanging over me, there is joy in the process. I have found joy in hitting the submit payment button. When I see my account balance getting lower I try to picture my credit score getting higher. I feel like patting myself on the back when I eat a guac-less burrito. There is strength in recognizing your own capabilities. And I am beginning to feel financially capable.
Now, I feel a little foolish implying that I’m glad I am in debt because I get to experience the joys of basic responsibility. That’s silly. Obviously If given the choice to completely eliminate my debt, I would. But this ain’t no Disney movie. There are no genies or fairy god mothers. I can’t just wish my debt away. And trying to discipline myself into financial freedom is hard. But as the old saying goes life is hard.
Sometimes I think we are always looking at the “If Only’s” and “Why Me’s?” If only I hadn’t gone out last night! Why am I the only one who doesn’t make enough money? If only I had been smarter, seen the future, been less impulsive! Why am I the only one who can’t get it together?
Regret and self-pity only make the process harder! Recognizing the small victories motivates us to keep fighting.
I am working toward focusing on feeling empowered as opposed to restricted. I am going to celebrate the energy I feel when I make more than my minimum payment. I am going revel in the power of watching a debt get wiped off my screen. I am going to delete the words “why me” or “if only” out of my vocabulary. I am strong, I am powerful, I am capable and one day I will be victorious. I am not warm. But I’m no longer cold. I am warming up.
- Kaitie Kaiser
Recognizing my own destructive habits (impulsivity and impatience) was the first step to focusing my energy on reconciling my debt. If you are having trouble figuring out why you are struggling, hold tight to Amazonite!
Think of an online gambler who knows that their habits are destructive. That is a perfect example of someone in need of amazonite. It helps bring difficult truths to the surface while simultaneously calming you down. On the flip side, it is also a gambling/success stone… so maybe hitting up the online slot machines isn’t the worst idea?
Being responsible and consistent is the best way to pay down your debt. But sometimes we all need a little luck. For financial success, Citrine is your girl.
Citrine exudes positivity. It is also called the “success stone,” “merchant stone,” and “abundance stone,” for its overwhelming attraction to all things right and good. It also never has to be cleansed. The positive vibes of this stone are so strong, it actually repels negativity, depression, and stress. One extra perk: it prevents nightmares.
And sometimes all you need are good vibes and a little Fool's Gold. For that we turn to Pyrite.
Pyrite has extremely shiny, reflective surfaces which act as defensive mirrors, bouncing negative energy right back to the sender. It sends its golden energy into your solar-plexus chakra, warming you from the inside and promoting self-confidence. This stone is also used to attract financial prosperity